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Why I hate Blogging! And Euchre preferences…

To me the process of blogging is the process of questioning everything and anything I thought I knew prior to sitting down at my laptop. I want to say I question so to clarify my positions, but it always turns more in the direction of falling deeper into wonder.  At moments I feels as though I come across a richer deeper understanding and sometimes I feel it merely weakens my resolve.  When the line in the song “Some Nights” says “What do I stand for?  Most nights I don’t know, anymore.”  I feel, understood…  It’s not at all that I question a God that is good or a God that cares, but rather what my role on the team is.

It seems we celebrate the accomplished and move only to accomplish that which is celebrated.  I am poisoned with cynicism and I know that to a point anyone over the age of twelve is.  I hate it though, it is the thing that I dislike the most about me.  I know circumstance is just that, circumstance.  Circumstance can change quickly and somedays that is the thing that brings me the most hope/dread in life.  I know I should have a stronger resolve that God is in control and I should convey hope instead of fear and yet looking at the definition of circumstance: (a fact or condition connected with or relevant to an event or action) I understand the state of mind I’m in.

So again back to why I hate blogging.  My purpose for writing has never been to be funny or offer antidote, I write because there may be others in the same circumstance and my writing may offer condolence of some sort.  To offer a closing thought that may count as an anecdote  worthy of some antidote.

Last night on New Years Eve I was playing Euchre with a few of my closest friends.  As soon as the trick is taken that shows who will take the hand they immediately throw in.  I thought to myself, why if God knows the end result does He have us play out the hand?  Can the outcome be changed?  Does He just want to see who among us is “sandbagging”,or is it simply to teach us something?  Either way I have nights I rather dislike being at the table.  “Some nights I always win”, “but Lord I’m still not sure what I stand for…”

I know this may disturb some of my friends but I think doubt helps my relationship with Jesus.  In times of doubt I am engaged, I am in process, I am in conversation.  “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all”. – The Lumineers (Stubborn Love)


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