FreshBooks 13,139 days and still trying to find home… | rikhilborn.com

13,139 days and still trying to find home…

I’ve found I don’t write for anyone in particular, I write for myself and sometimes as if message in a bottle as I drift in an ocean.

We found out a few days ago the house we have been renting is being foreclosed, whether our rent checks were being used to pay the mortgage or not I don’t know.  What I do know is that I and my family continue a “Journey” with no set destination, Heaven is for sure but until then…  Jesus said, “The Son of Man has no place to lay His head” and I know that we are strangers in a strange place.  I do praise God I have a great job, a great church, a great family, and great friends, sometimes it feels like I can’t choose but to wander and struggle.  I have friends that seem to take complete control of their own destiny and find myself longing.  We all build a house of cards and yet some stand and some don’t.  I’ve tried to live as if the stability of this world doesn’t matter but that can wear on a person.  Two years ago my position was cut at a place I thought was God’s calling and plan for us, I still remember the deep self doubt and depression that set in as I drove home to tell my family life as we knew it was done.  I wept as I told my wife my job was gone and my daughter at 3 going to her room to bring back her piggy bank saying, “it’s ok Daddy you can have my money.”  While I love that about my daughter, I hate that story… I hate that my daughter at 3 would feel the weight of my despair.

Yesterday while trying to work, make money and try and find a way we can keep this house our home I was overcome with anger and I yelled at my wife (I’ve never been one to explode) and I watched as my son who just turned 3 covered his ears in fear… I hate that story… I hate that my son at 3 would feel the weight of my anger.

I am hoping, I wouldn’t say I’m hopeful.  Maybe the best thing to hope for is that I become more like Jesus and less like me…  What more could anyone want.  For now I would ask that you ask God to comfort and direct me and my family, He is good, I’ve had rough times in my life but I doubt I’ve ever truly understood what it is to be in need.

In almost 36 years the only thing I can be sure of is, this world is sand through fingers any comfort you may find in it is fleeting, the most comfortable of us should be the most ready to lose everything.  Don’t hope for something to last that isn’t eternal, don’t be someone who would be beaten down when this world isn’t loyal.  Be someone who gives hope to those who have none.

rik- only an orphan for a short while but in time the heir of a King.

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